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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29836755">I Wonder at the Powers that Be</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Costello_Music/pseuds/Costello_Music'>Costello_Music</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canonical Character Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Post-Campaign 1 (Critical Role), Talking to the Gods, on the path to healing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 21:48:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,067</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29836755</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Costello_Music/pseuds/Costello_Music</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Neither Pike nor Percy were strangers to death.  </p><p>Two conversations with two different deities on the nature of death, grief, and healing in the weeks after Vax is called back to the Raven Queen.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Percival "Percy" Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III/Vex'ahlia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Wonder at the Powers that Be</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Percy was no stranger with death. How truly bleakly mundane one moment to the next was. How one moment they’re alive and in the next they are nothing but a memory. That the world doesn’t stutter to a halt or shatter, it just goes on. Like nothing had happened at all. Like everything was not different now.</p><p>He thought they’d have more time. Yes it was borrowed time, but even with that knowledge it was too soon! Vecna had just been defeated, the battle was just won. And he didn’t even get a day? It was a cold comfort but at least with Vax he got to say goodbye. He is all too aware of how that is not a given luxury. That usually they’re taken from you without warning, and you’re powerless to stop it. That you don’t know what’s happening until it done. And this time, for all the warning they had, was no different. The Matron herself had come to claim him and no pleas, no shielding, nothing could stop her.  </p><p>This was different to his family though. He did not remember clearly the days and weeks that followed their deaths and his escape from Whitestone. That had been a living nightmare and a large part of him was glad he might never remember. And this does not feel like that, not that anything could ever compare.</p><p>But the dull hollowness, the nothingness he felt was unexpected.</p><p>He noticed that at first all you can do is speak in cliches. And it’s all anything thinks to speak back to you. But the cliches don’t truly capture what it means to lose someone, or what it feels like. And to those that also lost that loved one, cliches are all you have. Least you trigger something you don’t want to. Or acknowledge a feeling out of its proper place.</p><p>He didn’t want another person to tell him how sorry they were. What did that even mean? There was sorrow yes, but the sympathy felt hollow and scripted and frankly he could do without it. That wouldn’t bring their friend back. That wouldn’t take the feeling of loss away. That nebulous hollow feeling in the back of you mind, in your chest where a part of your heart didn’t know what to do with this sadness. With the gulf that now existed between you and who you’d lost. With the knowledge that you will never see them again. Not for an unfathomable amount of time anyway, if at all.</p><p>But he knew how this game was played. He had been raised with impeccable etiquette after all.  He had forsaken that world for a time but there were some things that were ingrained in him. No matter how much he wished someone would say that this fucking sucked, or something in place of I’m sorry. Kima alone had been good for that, though Allura had tried to reign her in. Everyone else was either too close to Vax or too removed to know what to say.</p><p>Not that knowing what to say, or what to do, would heal the hole left in Vex’ahlia. He knew what it was like to lose siblings but not even he could imagine what she was going through. That, more than his own feelings, was what hurt the most. He would do anything for Vex, and had done his best to do that.  But he couldn’t take this pain from her. He couldn’t feel it for her or make it better. He felt inadequate, and awed by her strength. She didn’t falter or hide away. With a grace he admired she handled the arrangements for the memorial and spoke at the formal celebrations with conviction, without faltering. It did not feel like enough to simply be by her side, to support her as they adjusted to this new world. One where all the big bad threats were gone, and one where Vax was no longer with them. All he could do was be the shoulder to cry on when in private she did crumple.</p><p>All he could try to do was get some answers.</p><p>It was a quiet night a week after they returned to Whitestone. The shrine he had built for his own pride and to help a good friend was long complete, but untested and acknowledged by him until now. The graveyard was shrouded in mist, but Percy strode towards to tomb with purpose. The stillness of the night not bothering him.</p><p>The pool of blood inside glinted in the low light, and looked as cold and uninviting as he knew it would be. It didn’t matter what the outside temperature was, the pool was always icy cold. This time it felt right.</p><p>He had left his more ornate pieces behind, and was wearing nothing he didn’t mind getting splashed with blood. He eyed the pool with a brief moment of trepidation before stripping and wading in. He was prepared for the cold, for the panic. And just as he thought this would surely be his last breath, the roaring in his ears dulled and the space became warm and neutral. He was once again in the domain of the Raven Queen.</p><p>He was completely alone in the void with nothing but darkness around him.</p><p>“Are you there?” he called into the silence. “I just have a few questions.”</p><p>He waited a few moments, but there was no response. All he could see was darkness around him, which felt uncomfortably like an apt metaphor for death. Vast and unfeeling, stretching endlessly before him.  </p><p>“I do not expect you to bring him back. I know that’s not who you are or what you stand for. I just want to know, why didn’t you give us more time? Just an hour. A day,” he continued.</p><p>The silence persisted and the void around him cooled slightly but noticeably. He felt his grip on this place fade slightly. She was unimpressed, but that was not going to deter him. He continued on, shouting now into the darkness trying to call the Raven Queen forth. She owed them this much.</p><p>“I come not for me, I know even now I am beyond hope. But I come for my wife. The sister of your Champion. She is strong, but this has hurt her far beyond my ability to help. I just want to know, why.”</p><p>His question hung in the silence for a long moment. Long enough hat at first it seemed like he has been unsuccessful. But slowly, from the distance, a familiar porcelain mask appeared before him. It loomed large in the distance and once again Percy found himself in the presence of the Raven Queen.</p><p>“Percival,” her voice whispered in in his ear as if she were next to him, instead of from the distance she was. “You know as well as I that death is an inevitable part of life. None can bargain with it, and none should. Percival you know why.”</p><p>Around him was nothing but darkness, but Percy focused on the white of her mask faintly glowing in the distance.</p><p>“We have done so much for you, he has done so much for you. Can you give me something, anything, to help Vex’ahlia. Can we see him again?” Percy asked unflinching into the darkness. Looking the Matron in the eye the best he could.</p><p>The Raven Queen did not come any closer, but the area around him warmed to a comforting level and Percy felt a sliver of sympathy he had not seen from the Goddess before.</p><p>“You are not the first to bargain with me after the loss of a loved one, and you will not be the last. There is no reason for death, besides it’s inevitability. Besides the purpose it gives you mortals, because of it finality. You will see Vax’ildan again. Just as I will see you all again. Give it time Percival. None escape my domain.”</p><p>She paused, and for the first time in a long time Percy did not know what to say. The Raven Queen continued.</p><p>“When you first came to me you said you like to fix things, but there are some things that cannot be fixed before its time. You are not as beyond hope as you once were, or as you think you are. And the love for your friends and your wife play a large part in that. You cannot fix her, not now. Time Percival, time.”</p><p>And at once the Mask in front of him was gone and he was in the icy pool of blood. Percy struggled to the surface and as he gasped in the sweet cold air of the tomb he felt comfort for the first time in a long time. But the emptiness was still there, and the hollow pain was not gone.</p><p>He had no answers, but there were no answers to be had.</p><p> </p><p>xxx</p><p>Pike was no stranger with death. She had, after all, technically already died. Many of her friends had, and she had the power to stop it. To reverse it. To buy more time. Just as long as she was quick enough. Prepared enough.</p><p>There was no more time to buy now.</p><p>They had known that their time was short, but a part of her had believed that Vax would be allowed to stay. That there was some spell or something that would convince the Raven Queen to let them keep him. Just a bit longer.  </p><p>What struck her the most was how the world didn’t shatter. That she was sad yes, and shocked, but it wasn’t the worst feeling in the world and she felt that it had to be. Vax was one of her very best friends! Surely she cared more then that. Surely this should hurt more. Break her, just a little. The thought of him was enough to bring her to tears, but it didn’t feel like enough. She was coping. She was surviving. And she knew that that was fine, healthy even. But she couldn’t take away the whispers that claimed otherwise in the back of her mind. The fact that it was the slowest week of her life immediately after didn’t register until it had passed. Nor could she recall everything that happened, there were fuzzy grief filled patches. And a letdown of adrenaline too, but which was what feeling was unclear to her.</p><p>She had accepted that he was gone instantly. There was no question of why, she knew exactly why they were here and how this had happened. It shouldn’t have happened, he shouldn’t have been struck by Disintegrate in the first place, and she should have been prepared with a stronger resurrection spell. It would have hard, but not impossible. But that chance was taken from them. Whatever plans the Raven Queen had, it involved keeping her Champion with her much sooner than any of them would like.</p><p>It wouldn’t be till weeks later that the heaviness would strike. That her heart itself would hurt when she thought about it. When the shock wore off it was constantly on her mind, that she couldn’t reach out to Vax if she wanted too, that he wouldn’t see what they were up to.  That the nature of death and how very gone he was would be on her mind all the time.</p><p>Her friends were going through it too. It was silly to compare but she was aware of how much worse it was for Vex, who lost a brother, and Keyleth who lost her partner. Even Percy had lost so much more then her and she knew that the pain wasn’t a competition, that what she was feeling was valid and real. But at the same time she couldn’t reach out to those who were hurting more. That wasn’t fair.</p><p>And even the rest of Vox Machina she didn’t want to reach out to. They were dealing in their own way and if they were coping, if they were fine, she didn’t want to bring them down. To remind them of their sadness and their lost. If it was on their mind all the time they didn’t say, and she didn’t want to put it there if it wasn’t. Plus no one seemed inclined to talk about it for very long if it was bought up. A couple of minutes of feelings hour and that was it before the topic was changed. It wasn’t her place to bring it up, or circle back to it. This was not a wound she could heal. Not a poison to extract. These were just feelings and her magic couldn’t help with that. Plus she was coping, really. This was bearable. It was manageable. And the only thing that would make it better was time. Was to feel it, acknowledge it, and move on. No one could say or do anything that would help with that. At the end of the day, it was a journey that would need to be taken alone.</p><p>Well, alone was relative. Sarenrae was with her, even if she couldn’t see her. She knew how the Gods worked, better then her friends did anyway. Their will was absolute when they wanted it to be, and no bargain or plea with the Raven Queen would work. And Sarenrae could only offer light and comfort.</p><p>It was a quiet night. Grog was at the Tavern but she wasn’t feeling it tonight. She had gone for a wonder around the city, and found herself at Sarenrae’s temple. As if her deity had guided her here. In the starlit night there was a shaft of moonlight across the temple door, leading her to the ancient statue. Calling to her, and beckoning her in. The temple was empty at this time of night, and she walked up to the restored statue. Kneeling down she glanced up at the face of her beloved deity and cast commune instinctually.</p><p>“Hi, it’s Pike. Firstly I haven’t thanked you for your help with Vecna. And the other Gods too. I’m sure you saw that we did it,” she laughed nervously, not knowing where to start. “I’ll understand if you can’t help. But can you deliver a message to Vax for us?” she asked, gazing at the statue before her.</p><p>From the window above her a light shone down, giving the statue a backlit halo before hitting Pike and filling her with a feeling of love, lifting some of the heaviness she wasn’t aware was lingering.</p><p>A yes.</p><p>“Oh. Thank-you! Can you please tell him, that we miss him. And love him. And understand why he had to go, that we’re, mostly, not mad at the Raven Queen. Tell him that he’s an idiot for dying like that, and we should have told him that before he was gone. That’s he brave, and wonderful, and a dumbass. Tell him that Vex is pregnant, and we’ll all be the uncle he can’t be, even me. Tell him that I wish he were here, and that I’m sad that he’s not. That I’ll be ok, that we’ll all be ok. Tell him…” she burst out in a rush, getting caught on her thoughts. Tears had welled in her eyes and were falling freely now.</p><p>“Please tell him that we love him,” she finished, looking down at the statues feet as tears continued to fall.</p><p>Beside her she felt a warm but intense fire. One full of love and light. A hand touched her cheek, burning hot but pleasant at the same time. Glancing beside her she saw the beautiful face of her God, wreathed in flame, kneeling beside her. The red gem on her crown gleamed.</p><p>“My dear Pike. I know this is a dark time for you and if I could take this pain away I would,” she said warmly with a deep sympathy. “You have done me proud, as a shining beacon in this world.  But even without that, I will pass you message onto the Raven Queen’s champion.”</p><p>Wiping the tears from her eyes Pike smiled at her God, basking in the loving glow.</p><p>“Oh, thank-you so much! It’s silly, we knew he would have to go and we got to say goodbye. But it hasn’t felt like enough. I didn’t realise how far away he would feel, or how much I would think of it,” Pike replied, the feeling she had keep inside pouring out of her almost unbidden. “I’m fine, really, but I think about it so much. And I miss him!”</p><p>“Pike, you are not silly. Nor is what you are feeling,” Sarenrae said, pulling her into a quick embrace that stopped her spiralling thoughts in their tracks. Bringing a calm that soothed her. “I do not understand the intricacies of death like the Matron does. But what you are feeling is natural. The gulf between our world and the mortal plane can be incomprehensible, especially to you mortals. The finality of death is a wound not even I can heal before its time. But know that he is not truly gone, and any prayer to me you want for him I can pass on. You will see your friend again. And in the meantime, I will be with you. If you cannot talk to your friends, I will always be there.”</p><p>With a last gentle pat on her cheek, a motion Pike had felt long ago on the airship to Vasselheim that had filled her with love and hope then as it did now, the vision of Sarenrae faded. The moonlight behind the statue persisted for a moment, before fading.</p><p>The commune spell faded, but Pike did not notice. She had no more questions. She understood.</p><p>One day it would be ok. One day the ache would fade and tears wouldn’t fall so readily. One day she would accept what had happened with her heart and soul and it wouldn’t hurt. It wouldn’t feel hollow. It wouldn’t feel simultaneously overwhelming and underwhelming.</p><p>It wasn’t today though. But that was ok. She was not alone, not really, and that she did know with her very soul. And though it would still hurt, and there would be moments when the tears would still come, the doubt she felt was gone. And more then ever she felt the love of Sarenrae fill her.</p><p>Time was all she needed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Vax's death was something I didn't want to tackle because I had never lost anyone who wasn't a Grandparent and I didn't feel like I could do it justice. Until a month ago, when my best friend suddenly passed away. She went into a rip to save a couple of people and succeded in that, but lost her own life. What Pike and Percy feel are my own reflections and dealings with grief. It actually helped immensly, first writing down my own feelings and then getting into Pike's relationship with Sarenrae. Beacon of light indeed. </p><p>Title taken from 'The Sad Cafe' by The Eagles. Which has the great line: "now I look at the years gone by, and wonder at the powers that be. Why fortune smiles on some, and lets the rest go free."</p></blockquote></div></div>
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